DON’T LET RESENTMENT DESTROY YOUR LOVE We all have high hopes when we enter a new relationship, and rosy pictures of the future, so when life turns out not to be perfect, and you find out your partner actually is an imperfect human, just like you, it’s disappointing. You may begin by expecting that your partner will always see your point of view, or that as long as you love each other, everything will be OK, but after a while, reality breaks through and you realize your expectations were unrealistic. If you feel you’re constantly disappointed and frequently angry, consider that it may be because your expectations don’t line up with reality. No matter how little reality resembles your dreams, there’s no need to squabble about it. We all deal with many disappointments in daily life, at home and at work. In most cases, neither you nor your partner would argue with the boss, colleagues at work, or a child’s teacher the way you argue with each other. In domestic situations, you can choose your behavior in the same way you don’t have to argue with each other. Instead of acting like bickering children, use your grownup self control to pull yourself out of the argument. If you’re fighting over silly little things, remember you’re having symbolic fights: it’s not really about who didn’t put the cap on the toothpaste, it’s about disappointment, who is right, who has the most power, or who deserves to be loved. Resentment comes from expectations that are based on fantasy of what your relationship should be, rather than discovering realistic ways of bridging your gaps. A big challenge of relationships is learning to accept each other as you are and work together to bring out the best in each other. There is a difference between resenting someone and just being mad or frustrated with them. Resentment is stored up frustration and anger. It’s long-lasting, not momentary like an angry or frustrated response to an event. It’s often accompanied by the words “you always” or “you never” because it’s about storing up frustration over multiple incidents. You generate resentment by not sharing your unhappiness about the specific event at the time, just holding it in, then adding other corroborating “evidence” to support it. You may be storing it because you don’t think you have the right to speak up, or because you and your partner don’t communicate well (in general, or about this thing) or because you’re trying to be a “good sport” or not disappoint your partner or hurt their feelings. Holding a grudge is actually clinging to resentment, which can be very destructive. Resentment comes from not wanting to take responsibility for yourself: you've been upset or let down, but you don’t want to really acknowledge it, and you also don’t want to do the work of talking it through with each other, so you avoid it by wallowing in self-pity. If what happened to that you’re resenting mimics a previous trauma, or your worst nightmare (you’ve been betrayed—again!), you’re more likely to sink into bitterness. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy, and it feels like you’re doomed. It’s a mental mechanism keep you from having to handle disappointment in a mature manner. You can work through resentment, it doesn’t have to sour your relationship. Resentment is very corrosive in a relationship, and many breakups are due to resentment, but it is a feeling you can work through and it doesn’t have to signal the end. What it does signal is a serious need to communicate, with counseling help if necessary. The longer you put off talking about it, the harder it is to talk productively. To begin resolving the issues, figure out where your resentment is actually coming from. It could be from one hurtful moment, or it could have been building for a while. It might mean the thing your partner did feels representative of a larger issue, or something from a previous relationship, or from childhood trauma. Knowing where the resentment is coming from is important for moving on from it, because knowing where it comes from will tell you what you need to resolve it. HERE ARE SOME STEPS YOU CAN FOLLOW: 1. Get clear about what you want: Resentment is about not getting what you want. You can’t express what you want effectively if you’re not clear what it is, so before approaching your partner with a request, think about it and make sure you can write it down in one clear sentence. Why are you upset about this? What difference will it make if you get what you want? 2. Create a good atmosphere: If asking for what you want is difficult for you, don’t do it without preparation. Make sure you and your partner both have time, and invite your partner to sit down and talk with you. To begin the conversation, say: “I’ve realized I need to talk with you about something that’s bothering me, so we can find a solution. Will you talk with me?” If your partner is busy or not in the mood, then ask what would be a good time to talk. 3. Simply state what you want: Don’t preface your statement with a lot of disclaimers: they make your partner feel accused of something. Just ask, politely, for what you want. 4. Be prepared to accept a “no” answer: Remember, if you can’t accept a no answer, then you’re making a demand, not a request, so have a backup solution. Find a way to get what you want for yourself, even if your partner isn’t cooperating. For example, if you don’t get enough time together, maybe you need to develop more friendships and go out on your own more. 5. Listen calmly to your partner’s answer: Whether your partner says yes, no, or something in between; listen carefully to what he or she says. Don’t get all caught up in a lot of worry and noise inside your head; pay attention. You need to know what the answer is. Once you know, the problem may be solved, or you may need to sort it out more. If you do, try these simple communication steps to problem solve so that you and your partner don’t run up against the same resentment-causing situation in the future. SEVEN STEPS FOR TURNING TALK INTO COMMUNICATING: 1. Communicate with yourself first. If you know a chance to talk is coming up, take a little time to think about it beforehand. Know what you want to say, what you want your partner to understand, and what you want to accomplish. If you’re upset or anxious about the topic, try writing your thoughts down to organize them. 2. Do you understand your partner? Even though you are prepared to communicate what you want your partner to know, begin by being willing to listen. If you are receptive and interested, the conversation will go better, and your mate will be more likely to reciprocate and listen to you. 3. If the conversation goes off track, bring it back. Don’t let the conversation wander to other topics until you’re sure you’ve finished the first topic. If other topics come up, like past events or other problems, say “I’d like to talk about that, too, but let’s finish the first problem before we go there.” 4. Don’t argue about who’s right. It leads to endless arguing and getting nowhere. Switch your focus from right and wrong to what will work—it’s not about who’s right, but what solves the problem. 5. Stay calm. If either one of you is getting upset, take a break, agree to let the topic rest until next time, and switch to talking about something pleasant, like how much you care. 6. Make constructive suggestions. For each problem you discuss, offer some possible solutions. If you can’t agree on a solution, agree to try one temporarily to see how it works. 7. Confirm your solution. Whatever you’ve decided you want to do based on your discussion, this is the time to confirm your decision and make sure you both understand your agreement. If you find you’re still holding on to resentment after you talk, here’s some steps to clearing it up. SEVEN STEPS TO HELP YOU LET GO OF RESENTMENT: 1. Wait: The old advice to “count to 10 before you respond” is a great way to learn patience. Give yourself a chance to give your best response. 2. Use Perspective: put your impulses or desires in perspective: will it be important an hour from now or fifteen minutes from now? Most of them won’t be. 3. Self understanding: If you are tempted to act or speak on impulse, understand that the impulse is normal, but you don’t have to be run by it. Reactions and impulses are normal: it’s how thoughtfully we act on them that counts. 4. Take a longer view: If you’re reacting because someone upset you (e.g.: your partner hurt your feelings) or then give a little prayer of thanks that it wasn’t worse, say a blessing for your partner (who probably needs it) and you’ll feel better. If you are tempted to act impulsively, pause a minute and consider your bigger goal; then decide if the momentary impulse is worth setting back your goal. 5. Give yourself a break: If you act on an impulse before thinking about it, acknowledge that you did it, then forgive yourself and get back on track. If you find yourself acting impulsively a lot, then maybe your goal is too rigid, and you need to allow a little more room for yourself, or to renegotiate the contract with your spouse. 6. Consider the source: Impulses are often a reaction to outside circumstances. For example, being annoyed because your partner isn’t available, when you could enjoy using the time you have to yourself. Make sure what you do is what you really want to do. 7. Celebrate: Remember to celebrate your accomplishments and all the times you do what you intend to, keep your promises, and work things out. Frequent small celebrations are a way to reward yourself for patience, and to increase your motivation to be even more patient. © 2020 Tina B. Tessina, adapted from: How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together Author Bio:Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 40 years’ experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 15 books in 17 languages, including Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today; It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty; Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences, The Real 13th Step, How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together and How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free. She writes the “Dr. Romance blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter. Online, she’s known as “Dr. Romance” and offers courses at GenerousMarriage.com. Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, TV, video and podcasts. She tweets @tinatessina.
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