HOW TO CHANGE HARMFUL FIGHTING STYLES Some kinds of fights are particularly destructive and damaging to the people involved, and the habit of fighting itself is counterproductive. Each fight you’re willing to have will further ingrain your habit of fighting. I forbid my client couples to fight, because I’d rather have them not talk at all except in the counseling session, until they can talk without fighting. I ask them to practice their new techniques, and if they have a problem to wait until they bring it in to me; so they don’t create more destruction while we are doing the work of rebuilding. If you have a strong habit of fighting in your marriage, and you’re not working with a counselor, use the “What to do” sections to change your couple dynamic. The many guidelines and exercises in Money, Sex and Kids were designed to teach you how to avoid fighting at all, but if you still find yourself arguing, and want to change that habit, learning to identify destructive fighting, and knowing the techniques for countering them, will help you work toward conquering the arguing habit. Destructive Fighting Habits *Blaming and Accusing: Fights based on blaming and accusing each other erode the connections between you. “You never do anything around here.” “You didn’t put gas in the car again!” There is nothing to be gained from blaming, it’s a childish habit left over from grammar school. Even when you make up and forgive each other, the fact that you were willing to be mean to each other will register and not be forgotten, and the angry words are also remembered. What to Do: If your partner begins blaming you, don’t respond. Don’t defend yourself, it gives credibility to the accusations. Just sit passively or take a “time out.” If you’re the one who’s blaming, ask for what you want instead. “Please help me carry the groceries.” or “When you take the car, please put gas in it, or at least let me know if it’s on empty.” *Nasty Comments: Zingers like: “You’d forget your head if it wasn’t screwed on;” “You’re gaining weight, and it turns me off!” or “You’re just like your (abusive) father!” are verbal violence, also childish, and intended to get the upper hand in the argument. They are also hurtful, and can be remembered a long time by your partner. If you’re indulging in nastiness, don’t expect to get any sex or affection from your partner; it’s a tradeoff. What to Do: The best response to nasty comments is silence: wait calmly until the attacker’s energy is expended. Any response you make at this point will only fuel the attack. If it gets too out of hand, take a “time out.” If you’re the one zinging, apologize sincerely as soon as you realize you’re being nasty. Better yet, learn to catch yourself thinking those things before you say them. Even if you got away with saying such things to your siblings when you were young, you won’t get away with it here, so find a more sensible expression of your anger: “I’m very frustrated right now, so I’m going to take a brisk walk. We’ll talk later, when I can be more civil.” Later, come back and solve the problem. *Sidetracking: This is the technique you use when you don’t want to take responsibility for a problem, and it’s a common response to blaming. It’s a way to divert the discussion from the real issue “Okay, so I didn’t get home for dinner when I promised. But you were late last Sunday!” If you take this bait, and start arguing about who’s late more often, you’ll both get angrier, and the problem will never be solved. The issue of lateness will come up again and again for years. What to Do: Stay focused on the issue. You: “Let’s not argue about who does it more, let’s see what we can do to solve it. What if we each gave the other person fifteen minutes grace, and then went on without them? So, if you’re late for dinner, and don’t call, I’ll give you fifteen minutes, then the kids and I will eat, and you’ll have to have leftovers when you come home. If I’m late when we’re going to go to the movies, you’ll wait fifteen minutes, then go without me, and I’ll have to drive myself there and find you.” Your partner: “That sounds pretty good, but I still think it would be better to call if you’re going to be late.” You: “I agree, we’ll both make a better effort to call, but if that doesn’t happen, this will be our backup.” *Negative Mindreading: This is making up negative motives or thoughts for your partner, and then accusing him or her. “I don’t think where we go on vacation is the issue here. You just don’t want me to have fun.” or “You didn’t really want to help Natalie move her garbage cans. You were just avoiding talking to me.” This is subtly nasty, but couched in guilt-producing self-pity. It’s not only very unattractive, but very damaging to the trust between you. What to Do: If your partner reads your mind, don’t take the bait and fight about it: instead, rise above it with a light response: “Nice mind reading, Dr. Freud, would you like to know what I really think?” Hopefully, your partner will look sheepish or smile, and you can then discuss the problem. *Contradiction of Feelings: This is a combination of mindreading and sidetracking, and tends to happen when you’re sharing your feelings in a way that feels blaming to your partner: “I’m depressed because you ignore me.” The contradictory response, “You’re not really upset with me because I ignore you; you’re upset because Susie wants me to help her do her homework, and not you,” is an attempt to avoid blame and to sidetrack the discussion at the same time. It leads to counter-blaming and layer upon layer of accusations. What to Do: Don’t be sucked into the never-ending battle over whose feelings are right. Instead, pause a moment to regroup, use “I messages” and say “These are my feelings, I’m sorry I blamed you for them, but I am concerned about a problem, and I want your help to solve it. Will you help?” Then re-state what is upsetting you and begin solving the problem. *Counter-Blaming: Once one of you has accused or blamed the other, a common response is to accuse back. You: “You hurt my feelings.” Your partner: “You’re too sensitive, everything hurts your feelings.” This is an attempt to avoid being blamed by accusing the blamer of a worse sin. I hope it’s obvious that this will go nowhere but down. It’s the marital road to perdition. Tactics like this lead to all-out marriage wars that don’t end until divorce. What to Do: Avoid responding in kind, no matter what it takes. If you have to call “time out” and leave the room, do it. This argument must stop, NOW! After your cooling-off period, come back and discuss again. Use “Problem Solving for Couples” if you need more help. *Power Struggles: When you believe someone has to be right and the other person loses, you’ll use power struggle tactics like guilt and obligation, threats and emotional blackmail, courtroom logic: peacekeeping, sacrificing, and hammering away to try and gain control. Power struggles don’t belong in your relationship. What to Do: Read “From Struggling to Solving”,which will help you correct this. In Money, Sex and Kids, I give specific guidelines, information and exercises for solving all these problems. © 2021 Tina B. Tessina adapted from: Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Relationship Author Bio:Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 40 years’ experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 15 books in 17 languages, including Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today; It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty; Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences, The Real 13th Step, How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together and How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free and her newest, Money, Sex and Kids. She writes the “Dr. Romance blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter. Online, she’s known as “Dr. Romance.” Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, TV, video and podcasts, including on GenerousMarriage.com. She tweets @tinatessina.
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